Just yesterday another hullabaloo happened in twitter (surprise, surprise). This time it was about an infamous stand-up comedian slash influencer who proudly claimed that he texted his employee after midnight regarding work matters. He also claimed that he - as a boss - was very, very strict (to put it mildly) and not hesitate to fire his employee. As expected, he got plenty of scloding because people think that he's being inhuman to his employee. I don't care about what his motive was when he proudly wrote that status. However, some of the interesting comments caught my attention.
Some people said that in this 'cruel world', one shoudl be ready to work, work and work if they wanted to succeed. Someone even boldly (if not cruelly) claimed that work-and-life balance is a myth. It only existed for rich and priviledge people. The others who are not so lucky must gave more than 100%. Another comment said that 'rest' is something that does not exist in his life. He work 24/7. Literally. He spent what supposed to be his leisure time doing side jobs and he enjoyed it.
Well I used to think that way too. As some of you might know, I used to be this brainbox girl ever since senior high school. I got the first / second rank in class. In medical school, I was the average survivor but most of my friends said I was so dilligent. And yes, I'm going to say it out loud now : I used to be an ambitious girl.
Behind my calm appearance, I was that girl who studied practically 24/7. I felt guilty if I left the study materials unread for more than half an hour, I pushed myself to work on my assignments until I lost my sleeping time, etc. I was that role model student parents were comparing their kids to. Even as a little girl, I had studied Kumon and my math was about 2-3 years ahead of my school-mates. Those people who support me always tell me that we had to work if we want a bright future. Sounds familiar, eh?
Well, to me now those words were like double-sided sword. In a way, it's good because we became discipline, appreaciate the time and digging our potentials. But on the other hand, it could make us ambitious to the point that we forgot what is life is all about. Sounds cheesy, right? But imagine this ...
We never know how much time we had in this world. Of course it is a good thing to think about our future and prepare for it. Being ambitious and obsessed about it, is another story. Being ambitious means we practically gamble what we have in the present for whatever-it-is we're thinking our future might be. For example, once, I was pushing myself too hard that I got gastritis. The gastritis happened because I work, work and wokr until I substitute my meal with granolla bars and my sleep with endless cups of black coffee. I got admitted into ER and the doctor practically yelled at me for giving myself a break. I was forced to get 2 days off work. I spent my two days feeling guilty for resting of myself because people around me were making me believe that self-care is only for weaks and spoiled brats.
Hell, one of my colleague who scolded me said : "You're taking two days break just because of gastritis? What kind of nonsense is that! Back in my days, my friend showed up to work with intravenous line still attached to his hand. Now that's what I called being a real doctor."
Believe it or not, some of us were brainwashed by the society to think that we're nothing but a bunch of machines instead of human being. We're forced to normalize the super-toxic working environment that forbid us to rest and even pray. We were praised if we sacrifice our mental and/or physical health for work. As the time went by, we became more and more machine-like. We began to think it was normal to live with that kind of life rhytm. And if someone told us otherwise, we easily scold and accused them for being weak and jealous of what we had achieved.
What did we achieve now, exactly? The money we stack in our banks? The A+ on our report cards? The praises we got for being the role-model student? The contents of textbooks we managed to cram into our heads? Were they worth our own health and sanity?
My husband and I were quite the opposite in some ways. He, on the other hand, did not approve of being too ambitious both in career and academic. When he picked me up after I finished my board exam in Jakarta, he asked me about some of the medical students he met on his way. His questions were quite strange.
"Why are they looking so zombie-like? Their eyes were blank. They seemed so absorbed in their own world. None of them were smilling. They were in groups but they didn't talk to each other.", he said to me.
"Well, they probably went through one of the tough department ... like OBGYN or surgery or something...", I said.
"Were you like that before?" he asked me.
"More or less. I always bring a novel with me to put my mind at ease during hard time, though." I said to him.
He shook his head, "Man, that was rough. And what for?"
"What do you mean 'what for'? We were taught to give 110% if we want to succeed.", I told him.
"Okay listen. Here's the harsh truth about ambitious people. They work and work until they ill or worse, die. And what happen afterwards? The workplace would mourn for a while and then they easily replace them with another employee. What about the people they ignore like their families and friends? To them, they cannot be replaced.", he told me, "And was it worth having a good career and stacks of money in our bank if we're not happy and healthy? Is that life is all about?"
It hits me. He's right. Being ambitious was like being an addict. The 'reward' we got such as good grades, praises or extra cash were like the heroin injected into our vein. We felt intoxicated by them that we didn't realize it slowly kills us. We got so addicted that we didn't want to hear anything that contradicts our way of life. Even the people who genuinely care about us.
We were told that dedicating our life to work will be worth plenty in the end. Will it? Imagine if we died just before we got that reward. How many 'if only's and 'what if's haunt us?
If only I skip work for one day to have a day out with my parents
If only I wasn't so engrossed in my work that I pick up my child instead of yelling at them for being a brat, even though they're just want to play with their parents
If only I got more time to listen to my teenage child's problem, really listen to them and put myself in their shoes instead of taking a short-cut by telling them what an ungrateful brats they are and slamming the door in front of their tear-stained face
What if I cut one hour of my studying/working time just to realize my surroundings?
What if I gave myself more time to think about how my loved ones mean to me, instead of accusing them for being too clingy and needy before cutting their off my life and justify my actions for "get rid of distractions"?
What if I give some of my earnings to take more care about myself, instead of stacking them in my bank and thinking 'I would do it tomorrow' every single day?
etc, etc
People who are now familiar with the old me. I don't care if you're going to believe me or not, but in the end... all those 'earnings' we got, would mean nothing if we weren't healthy or happy. I guess 2020 taught us enough to re-think about our purpose in life. We thought we got everything figure out with our money and knowledge, then boom! Something happen. Plans were cancelled. We could only accept it with two options : spending our life in regret or trying to think outside our comfort zone in order to survive.
Truth to be told, before the pandemic, I got some offer to improve my career. All I had to do is giving a little 'sacrifice' by being away from my family for half a year at least. The old me would jump into that opportunity in double-quick time. I got support anyhow. But at that time, I let the offer pass. Because I had enough of being so ambitious. Now, I just want to stop getting my nose on my book or my laptop and just re-live my life (whatever the heck that means).
And even though I had no kids just yet. If someday I got my own children, I would not push them to do 'important' extra courses like maths or toher school subjects. I don't want them to grow up numbing their loneliness due to the absence of their parents with studying their asses off. I don't want them feeling the same fake-comforting of numbers and figures in math while forgetting that they're lonely. I don't want to guilt-trip them using the old phrase about how 'privilige'they are with all the opportunities, while I know for sure they lost their playtimes with the other kids.
I am fully aware that my view would be scolded if I still live in the big ambitious capital city (or living my life like that). I would never be able to get enough money for my future kids or sweet easy life everyone dream of. I would waste my potentials, etc, etc. And you know what? I don't care. I'm now aware that there are things that are outside my control and working my asses of would not tame those things. As a believer, I know that each of us had our own sustenace and it would never accidentally exchanged.
